Aspirations

I'm doing penance for this week. Today is day one and it's killing me.

I was thinking of fasting, but considering that I now workout for an hour and a half day--40-60 minutes of that aerobic--I don't think it's a pretty good idea to cut down on food for the next nine days.

The last time I did this, my mother nearly dragged me to a shrink to see if I was anorexic.

In fact, she's still convinced that I'm anorexic, even if I do gobble up twice the amount that she does. Though now I am beginning to understand that whole working-out=gratification thing.

Maybe it's not instant, but with my weight and metabolism, it sort of can be.

I usually start shedding the pounds in two weeks. When I first started running-30 minutes every other day-I started noticing the difference within the first week. When I quit, I gained them back--worse this time--but I quickly found out that I was pretty efficient in losing fat.

I'm not going to be obsessive about it, but looking at it now, it's easy to see why some people can lose themselves with the whole weight issue.

I don't count calories, since heaven knows I burn pretty fast. Though because of my MVP and my parents ages, we do try and watch the cholesterol.

But it's weird when you start seeing the results and the first thing that comes into your mind is "I can do better".

That my stomach can be flatter if I stretch my cardios, or do more crunches. Or spotting the flab quicker than usual. Your mind goes nuts and you begin to ask yourself whether your body really does need the additional workout or this is the beginning of some serious disorder.

I don't know if it's just me, since no matter how good I do in something, I always end up saying "I can do better".

I don't think i've ever been completely satisfied with something I've done. Not to say that I am discontented with other people's work. I give credit where credit is due. I'm proud of my friends accomplishments, and I never critisize their work unless they ask me to.

But it's different if it's my work. I go nuts if i's something that matters to me. Even if people are pleased with the results, I always think of all the mistakes I made and how I can do better the next time. How the next one can be 100%. I'm kind of Borg that way.

So it's a bit mind bending to look at yourself and say "gee, yeah, that little pouch is still kind of there...and hang on...is it worse?" when you're probably trimmer than you were a month ago. Only now, you're just...more critical of your body.

I can see why some people say it's a control issue. How some people will go to extremes just to try and get that cardboard cutout figure. It's easier to tell yourself to skip a meal, maybe an 30 minutes more to the routine, or maybe eat less when the rest of your life is crap and severely out of your hands.

I'm kind of thankful that I love to eat, because it's pretty easy to get fucked up when you're in my position.

Writing takes a lot of ego. Submitting your work is almost like auditioning. You go around peddling your work, even though they tell you it's not personal, it's hard to pad yourself against all rejection. So it's all a balance of pleasing yourself and the editors at the same time, since you have to eat and sell your work.

If you find an outlet like working out, and see the immediate results, you do kind of get addicted to it.

The exercise itself brings a natural high. Endorphins race, you feel detoxified, your heart is pumping and adrenaline surges through.

It's a legal drug.

I hope I don't read much into this thing. Luis didn't show any major results in his stepper routine until six months, so I oughto be doing pretty good if I'm showing a lot of improvement in a month.

It's a nice way to get your sense of gratification, though hopefully it won't be my only sense of gratification--nope, not if I can help it.