Psychologically Tested! 100% Guaranteed

Just finished taking a psych test for my friend Karen's grad class (Kay dude, that was standardized, right? If it wasn't...it was darn accurate. Hire me when you want to market it. We'll make wonderful money together.)

Taking it reminded me of my college days, where I spent most of my time looking dumbly at teachers and passing notes.

I missed out on being an ass of a student in high school. Besides that incident with the pro-choice thing, I was a "model student".

For the record though, I stared dumbly at my teachers because what they said bored me, and the notes I passed were done in haiku, limericks or pot shots at the IMF. All of them wonderfully received by Karen, my seatmate and debater extraordinair.

Non-standardized pysch tests is the next step to Cosmo Pop Quizzes. If you're into taking tests from a magazine but already know everything you need to know about dating, sex, men and the wonders of your vagina, non-standardized tests are for you.

One of the most annoying things you're asked as a psych major is "Hey, can you give me a test?" It's right next to "Can you tell me what i'm thinking right now?" and "Can you help me with my problem?"

It's wonderful how some people can have so much faith in you when they learn that you're a shrink in progress, but here are a few things you need to know:

1. Psych students are in psych because they have a problem
Not institutional problems, though you will get the occassional nut job who has some serious hang ups with their mother.

Other than that, psych students are interested in psych because they are interested in fixing emotional distress...in themselves. Though some may not realize it until the their third semester.

2. We don't have psych tests in our bags, purses, cars, briefcases, laptops, or in PDAs in PDF format.
Oh, sometimes we do. For school. For credit. For class time. Since administering and checking tests is not a hobby.

3. Can you tell me what i'm thinking?
If I did, I would probably be in a booth somewhere making money or hanging out with hollywood stars and presidents, or stuffed in a basement somewhere doing major secret service.

I would not, however, be standing in front of you laughing my ass of on the inside and wanting to throttle you on the inside because you just confused--again--a psychologist for a psychic.

4. I have a problem...
This is why shrinks have an office and billable hours. Anything beyond that, it's spilling your guts or asking advice from a friend.

Now ask yourself: is the nice stranger who just happens to be taking psych your friend? If you think she is, have you tried asking her if she thinks you are her friend?

5. Patience is a virtue...
That not all psych majors or even psychologists have, i'm sorry. Which is why some of us end up in research while the tempered go to law school.

If you irritate us, we will get pissed. If you bawl on our dry clean only shirt, we will get annoyed. If you insult us, we will insult you back--by telling you, in clinical terms, what a psycho you are and taking five points off your IQ test.

This is especially true if you play the "understanding" card.

"But you're a psych major, you should understand that she's just angry..."

Yeah, and did I mention that you are psycho and your intelligence quotient says you're not fooling anyone?