Sometimes, the 80's

I grew up in the 80's. Tragic, sad, but true.

When I was six, one of my older cousins sat me on a chair and nearly suffocated me with hairspray. If that wasn't enough, she put mousse to keep my bangs up on a two inch wave and wings to either side of my head. To make sure no one missed it, she put glitter gel on the wave and brush-on color on the wings. One side was electric blue and the other was this dark, hot pink. You wiped it on using a stick, and if I had the sense then I probably would have poked her in the eye with it.

But I didn't because I was six and I was wearing the mismatched Punky Brewster outfit with an acid wash denim skirt. I also had a mock red Micheal Jackson Thriller jacket...and I just keep mentioning that jacket, don't I? Probably because I really liked that jacket. Probably the only piece of clothing that I really liked from the 80's.

But enough about one of my favorite rants. I'm sure if we all relegated our 80's stuff to burn, we'd drill a hole through the ozone layer. Besides, not everything from the 80's should be committed to a bonfire (except the clothes. burn those.)

Maybe it's an age thing. With a birthday coming up (damn), I've found myself missing certain...things. Specifically, my 80's TV shows.

Yep, I was a boob tube baby. I knew the line-up on all the channels, from the big networks, to the channel 4 public access, and that channel we somehow got from the Clarke Airbase (Square One!)

Of course, with the advent of DVD's, you no longer have to pine for them. Unless you're poor. Like me. In which case, you have to get a torrent. Or leech them off Kazaa.

But sometimes you get to be unlucky. These shows aren't up for leeching and even if you were to cough up a few hundred bucks (thousands, in my case) they don't have it on DVD.

In that case, you're up to some fans mercy. Hopefully there will be another fanatic like you out there whose got a stash of VHS tapes, a DVD burner and the time and generosity to provide you with a copy.

...But i'm spoiled. Really I am. Damn the new millenium for raising me with such comforts. I can survive without a cellphone (for a few days at least) but I can't do without my damn DVD extras.

So, in honor of my current melancholy which can be attributed to my coming birthday and actually moving to another age set, here are:

Kriszia's List of TV Shows that she'd like to see on DVD:

1. Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future (1987) I really wanted to be Pilot and since then, i've always been a fan of Jessica Steen. The storyline was really cool, but being a girl, it was really the love story that drew me in. Sure, it was a tragic ending, but it set a precedent for what would become the girl-dies-guy-suffers kind of stories that I wrote when I was 12.

2. Bioman (1984) Ha! Take this, Power Rangers! Any kid who grew up on this show would see what the Mighty Morphin duds ripped-off. Granted, the storyline was a little weak but when you're five, who the hell cares? I remember going around the neighborhood with my friends, pretending to be the Bio Team. I was Yellow Four.

3. Shaider (1984) So sue me. I'm asian and Japan happens to be our neighbor. Besides the lulling chant (shigi-shigi maka nu shigi choo-wah!) that everyone just had to sing when Lay-Ar had to produce...an egg...I really, really, really want to find out if Shaider and Annie ever got it on.

4. Steven Spielberg's "Amazing Stories (1985) If you like unique shorts, you would love this show. Steven Spielberg said that this show was where his ideas that were too short to become a movie ended up. As a storyteller, this show is fucking it! There were rumors that this show was going to be released soon--but they've been saying that for two frigging years already. Hurry UP! Mr. Spielberg! War of The Worlds sucked, but this should redeem you!

5. Homefront (1991) Okay, so this was 90-ish, but I love it anyway. And since it's Post WWII, you don't see any of the trashy haircuts or clothes. I love shows set in the 40's and 50's, and the way how everyone deals with being home after the war is a very unique take on the whole subject. Also, Kyle Chandler was amazing. And just as a bonus, Jessica Steen was also there and was paired with--drumroll--Robbie McNeill.

6. The Young Riders (1989) Yet another period piece to avoid the clothes and haircut, this time a Western. I must confess, I never saw this show when it was originally aired, though I don't think it ever aired here. But it was shown on the Hallmark Channel about five or six years ago and I just fell in love with it. The writing was pretty good, and I thought the love story (I'm a girl, okay?) between Kid and Lou was charming. And besides Ty Miller, it's also got another thing that I adore: horses!!!

The rest of the shows that I watched were pretty popular and have already been released on DVD, like V and the Ray Bradbury Theater.

There are some shows that i'd love to see again, like Free Spirit, Out of this World, and The Equalizer, but I wouldn't go so far as to buy them...well, maybe i'd buy The Equalizer because Edward Woodward reminds me so much of my grandfather.

There is one show that I can't remember that I wouldn't watch but would love to know the title just because it had a plot that could only have been pitched during the 80's...

Does anyone know that TV show where Snow White and her Prince fall into a well or something, and she along with her extended family--Wicked Stepma and Dwarfs et. al.--wake up and it's the 80's and they have kids and are now living in suburbia?

I need to make sure this thing is real, because I refuse to admit that my childhood imagination could have conjured something that would suck this much.

1984

I actually thought about that title. A lot.

I thought about calling this entry "Dance of the Monkeys", but I didn't want to come across as racist. Then I toyed about "Ba-ba-baaddd Sheep", but that's just too damn corny. Considered using Laarni's "Who fucks who" over my own "Who wants to be a slut".

But I thought 1984 was the most glib.

Don't know what i'm talking about? Good. I suggest you cover your eyes or skip to the last entry. Better yet, wait for my next entry. Or you can use the Google search engine on the side and google up "stupid morons" to see how high this show is on the list while making me a few cents on the side.

I'm already doing the show a favor by talking about it. If I weren't so annoyed I'd have ignored this small blip in my pissed off radar, especially since I haven't seen it.

Oh yeah, I hear it now. Some sarcastic pinoy reporter/journalist/columnist/random googler thinking i'm being totally biased because i've been conditioned to think that all Filipino shows suck.

Well, they don't. I happen to want to work for this industry, and though we went through a slump (read: late 80's, early 90's) we actually are having a marked improvement.

Except for this one. Nope, not this show. This show sucks. The fact that the network who bought this paid millions not just indicates how desperate they are, it also exacerbates their stupidity.

I'm not being blunt, i'm being gut wrenchingly brutal. There's a difference. The former is just caustic melodrama, the latter happens to be a major rant with teeth.

And all this for a show that I haven't even seen. Not once.

So how, you may ask, can I hate something that I haven't even seen?

Several reasons, the major one being that I'm not really fan of reality shows. It not only fucked writers and actors in the television industry, but it also made a formerly annoying fetish into a fad: voyeurism. Hate that.

So maybe I hate them on principle...though I do watch some. The Adoption series on Hallmark seems to have grabbed my attention...oh wait, that's a documentary. My bad.

Well, Colby from Survivor: the Outback was kinda cute, and I was kind of hoping through my brief skimmings that he'd end up with Elizabeth. But dude, that was so four years ago.

Besides, America may be on some Reality Show kick, but we Filipino's already have two pretty good reality shows on top of our daily dose of noontime variety shows. And with only two (competitive? Decent?) networks, i'd say that's enough.

Or I could be wrong. Because why the hell would they buy a canned American show that wasn't even so highly rated in the first place? Did they hope the western infusion would revilatilize an industry that is nursing it's way to good health with it's own asian remedies? Or were they hoping to rack up a few through some clever merchandising, which has no doubt been pushed by the people who sold the franchise?

If you don't know what i'm talking about, you either a) haven't heard of Orson Wells, in which case you're deprived, go back to high school, b) you haven't seen any of the ads, which makes you lucky, so I suggest you bail now while you still can, or c) you have but you don't care and you're erasing it from your memories and damn-you-kriszia for fucking reminding me.

We're talking about Pinoy: Big Brother. And no, I am not linking it. Screw.

Maybe i'm shooting myself in the leg and the head here for saying this, but I really don't know what possessed the network to buy this shit in the first place.

So what exactly have I heard about P:BB (you only get a nick because I hate the Orson Wells association and it happens to be one of my fav books)

That it sucks is pretty much the general term i've heard.

I know I haven't seen it, but reviews from TV shows like this pretty much work like a torrent. One friend invariably watches one episode, ends up hating it, tells you. Never the same ep, and only just one. After all, you only need to see one ep and you've had enough.

Why see it in the first place? My friends are smart. They should have avoided it. They had a stand: they often hate reality shows on principle.

But they also thought Elizabeth should have gone for Colby.

They saw it because the amount of media exposure it got made them curious. They saw the stink and thought "this smells" and just to make sure, they fucking smelled it.

Why the scathing remark? Obviously, I came into this opinion already biased. Ms. Hate on Principle, right?

It's bad enough that we actually bought other people's garbage, but even now we can't even get the proper stench.

In short, it may smell bad, but let's turn it into that bad smell that you can't help but keep smelling, thus transforming this into your own perverse pleasure.

Instead, this show is so bad it can't even be perverse, let alone bring in any sort of pleasure.

Who the hell fucking populates a reality show using the same people? And we're not talking about them being attractive, but i'm talking about them wearing the same brand of Moron™.

We saw the ads, we all know they're cute. We have no issue with that, it's a TV show, and cute people sell.

But if you have a show whose theme is "let's see how different people will react and interact after being trapped in a house for 100 days", you might want to get Different People™. Or maybe even Different Attractive People™.

After all, that seems to be the all important element in a show like this right? And while you're at it, you might want to make sure that you get people who correctly represents your society, or maybe just your culture. I mean, they aren't calling this Pinoy: Big Brother for nothing, right?

So it's only prudent to actually see all kinds of Filipinos.

Except i'm not seeing them. I don't even think I see anyone prudent, nor anyone Filipino. Either that or i've been cooped up in my room for too long that I missed a nuclear war and the surviving roaches all mutated into asian sluts.

And I use the term to encompass both genders.

Was hiring young attractive liberals from one extreme of society in order to ensure live sex the network's subtle plan to hike up ratings? Because newsflash: it ain't so subtle.

Neither is the whole cast spontaneously breaking out into a musical, nor constantly parading around in swimsuits because all the challenges happened to be water sports.

Saying that you're first time was age 12 on camera doesn't even make you a liberal, it only showed that you were an underaged bitch. Where the hell were your parents during this time? And are they cringing while you all make this revelation?

Let's save this pre-pubescent Sex in The City talk for a scripted show shall we, maybe then it can actually be witty. Maybe then it can actually be taunted as "fiction".

Because let's not forget that reality shows bring with it one stigma, that people think it's real. And if you have a show with the word "Pinoy" in it and it's crawling with oversexed yuppies, people around the world are going to think that the current generation of Pinoy's are composed of nothing but oversexed yuppies.

Much like how the world thinks that all American schools are like Boston Public. Only they get a little leniency, they're a primetime drama. People won't feel like idiots when they think it's a bit exaggerated.

Oh wait, but reality shows are scripted right? Or what's the new PC term...ah, creative editing.

So they just all edited it to make them look like they're horny individuals who want to have sex because their trapped in a house for a hundred days.

Right. They're all saints.

But seeing as this is a reality show...am I even supposed to care about that? Shouldn't it be easier for me to just forget this one small factoid?

Am I being a moralistic bitch? Yes, I am. And I like the view from my fucking high horse, so you can forget about asking me to go down.

This could have been a good show. It could have told us how different people interact in a certain type of situation. That would have been interesting, and we may even walk away from an episode learning something about ourselves and others.

Instead, we have scantily clad people exchanging sex talks when they're not playing Marco Polo. And let's not forget about the 24/7 internet coverage. Believe me, any hopes you had about playing the "subtle card" were thrown out as soon you mounted the cameras on the bathrooms.

Yes, let's all patronize this fetish for watching people in bathrooms. And please, let's be honest by admitting to ourselves that when the people tune in to the private rooms, they are not hoping to catch these people going peepee.

Let's set a standard, shall we people? Like if we want hard hitting reality, let's just stick to a documentary. Better yet, have Lav Diaz handle the ball.

We're already sick of pompous foreigners thinking that some Filipinas are sluts, we don't need a show that will further mislead them. Or do you prefer pervs jerking off for free on your 24/7 webcam?

The sad part is, with all the money spent there's really nothing we can do but run with it. Let's make the most out of our buck rather than admit defeat.

Or there is one thing...

We can rename the show and give it a different rating. It can still be a reality show, but this time it won't be so equivocating.

I'm thinking "Who Wants to Sleep their Way into being a Millionaire" is a good title. Throw in a couple of condoms and a PG13 then it should do good in pay-per-view.