Pimp My Ride

I don't care if it looks like an old steel iron. This is one slow ride that I do not want to have pimped.

This baby's gonna dominate the desert!

P.S.

I'm not kidding. I want one for christmas. Donate, I can ride it in the lahar infested areas of Pampanga.

From MK

"We don't make the best of who we are and what we've got because our society encourages us not to be responsible. The system really reduces individuals to a minimum- but that's not how you make a better future for the world. The world needs artists. Because artists wake up your sense of wonder, the wonder of being human, of being alive together. Artists give you faith again, faith that society exists, and that dreams are real."

1+1 always equals 2

My parents just bought a new microwave for 32,000 Php.

No, it doesn't spit out gold, it's not made by any popular manufacturer, and it was originally sold for 27,000 Php.

Do my parents feel like idiots for being cheated out of five thousand bucks? Not really. Not when the microwave, a set of knives, and a bunch other bullshit all came for free when they purchased a set of pans worth 35,000 Php. But since the store was new, it only cost them 32,000 Php.

A supposedly ridiculously huge amount of savings, except we don't need a new set of pans.

My dad thinks i'm a moron that can't add, but I really do feel like they've been fleeced.

They really did want to buy a new microwave, but they could have gotten one for five thousand bucks. Granted, this is a "newer" and "better" microwave...

But if the point is to just heat the damn food, why the hell do I need a friggass expensive one for? So it can bake, big deal. You can bake in other microwave ovens, provided you get your water ratio right.

Of course, it's never going to do shit like Angel Food cake, no matter how "new" the microwave is. I think you need something like a "baking oven" for that.

I asked my dad why this one was ridiculously expensive. I mean, does it fly? Does the food multiply? If I put my cellphone in, will it come out new? Does it tell fortunes? Or do something even more amazing, like cook an honest to goodness egg?

I don't get it.

Burnout

I'm done with teaching.

Nope, it's not my students. In fact, they provide me with a lot of entertainment, considering that I have one male student just hitting puberty (shot up two inches in the past month), a boy crazy 14 year old, a lonesome 30 year old who's girlfriend just went back to Korea, and a 14 year old who thinks i'm his stupid nanny.

The rest of my students are great, and heaven knows that these nutcases I have in between are okay too.

So they aren't the reason why i've had a burnout. It's more off the low pay, this one fucking teacher with delusions of grandeur, and the fact that I am a filmmaker, I cannot stay in that job forever.

Hopefully, I'll have enough dough to pay my next insurance premium and then get out by the end of February.

I'm done with teaching, i've gotten rid of that teaching bug I had in me. Today, I found myself teaching Earth Science to one of my students, because she needed me to double as her science tutor since she didn't understand a word of it in her Filipino school.

So far, i've taught songs, story writing, science, and have been a counselor. It's fulfilling, but not enough to make me forget that i've got a ridiculously low paycheck.

Now that my grandmother's in the house though, i've been motivated to do more filmmaking stuff. So i'm making all the phonecalls, will be writing all the emails, and checking on all projects that I left pending last year.

Heck, i'm even working on my Filipino. I bought two tagalog romances, none of which I can relate too because the characters are just...of a different caste.

Ah, to learn a language. Just thinking this reminds me of what I use to tell my students: practice, practice, practice.

Zoning Out

I finally got off my lazy ass and solved one of my life's little mysteries: Is Brini Maxwell gay or not?

On a bad day, that lady scares me. As my friend put it, she's a cross between a Drag Queen and a Stepford Wife, and I have no idea why they put her on TV with her Jackie Kennedy act giving advice to a million stressed career women. Though I have to admit, I did see a couple of episodes just to see if she had an Adam's Apple.

She doesn't.

But her real name is Ben Sander, and he's 35 years old, and he was born in Massachusets.

Now i'm stumped on why she doesn't have an adam's apple. I mean, he just plain ass looks like a guy who got sucked into a wormhole with a Barbie doll and came out the other side with their molecules fused.

No amount of surgery, make-up or bleach can get rid of it, but he is so damn delicate that my grandmother would probably trade me in for him just for the way he holds a napkin. It surreal.

Day Eight

We're almost done with my aunts nine day novena/wake.

My head is reeling from all the melodrama, and i'm not even the adult involved. This has got to be one of the nastiest business affairs I have ever been in...and I don't even care if my aunt haunts me for saying it. If she does, I'm going to have to sit her ghost down and ask her a lot of questions, and maybe even whip out a couple of documents that she oh-so-forgot to sign.

To anyone who reads this...take my advice...have a will. If you don't have a lawyer or don't want to bother with the taxes, go write it down have it notarized. Better yet, there's this site that will walk you through it for 20 darn dollars.

Oh well. Nothing brings out the best in people more than money.

Speaking of which, I have been making the rounds introducing myself as the family's next starving artist/part time enlgish teacher.

Saying that I was a filmmaker was no problem. My aunt was such a great artist that they'd half expected me to pull the next FAMAS out of my ass right then and there--but it was their enthusiasm with me being a teacher that really surprised me.

They all seemed rather proud that I chose to be a teacher--though I can't really take that much pride, since I teach Koreans how to speak english instead of imbibing fresh young minds with much needed knowledge.

I still feel like a fake teacher most of the time, and even though I enjoy it, I still don't want to have it as a career. If anything, it's the students that I'll miss.

My term closes at the end of February, which means I have some serious decisions to make come March.

I don't know why, but this is the year that I feel totally committed to what I am, who I am, and what it is that I want to do. I have a lot of things to follow through on now, and after telling everyone I have a fuck ass responsibility to live up to the expectations they all placed on me for being my aunts niece.

Not to mention the responsibility that I have placed on myself...

What fucks me is that I actually like this. The pressure. Now what does that make me?

Day One

Woke up late. The `rents are back out taking care of business.

Me and my mom had a long talk last night, and will probably have an even longer talk tonight after things have settled in.

Lots of shit to work out, now that my aunt is gone. She's going to be cremated this Sunday, so there won't be a funeral, no viewing.

I've only been to two family funerals, and even though i'm no veteran of these things and I always kind of thought of it as uneccessary...i'm beginning to understand how being surrounded with some family members is essential for closure.

My aunt was a very popular gal. She had tons of friends all over the world. Even though she didn't look her best in the end, she kept her cheer up, and I want people to know that. She was always happy, never wanting to inconvenience any of her friends, and in the end...she died a few hours before the new years so that 2005 would be easier for all of us.

I feel like telling people that even in the end, she kept her game face on...but without the funeral, I have no idea how to do that.

It's almost like she's here...and she's gone.

The last time I saw her was last week, Christmas morning. I couldn't go near her because I had just come from a cold and I was really fuckass tired. I hadn't slept, and I had some work that I needed to finish.

I stood a few feet from her bed by the door and said goodbye as we were leaving.

She kind of turned to me and waved, saying I love you and telling me that although she was happy that I was "employed", that I should do what I want and that she was going to help me. She called me baby and blew me a kiss.

I knew that was it.

When she died, I was in the bathroom taking a bath. I'd just finished a project that hung me up for four months, and it had finally ended and I was celebrating it with a much needed shower.

My other aunt called at around seven to ask about my aunt, and I told her "This is it. I don't think she's going to make it out of this one. I think it's going to be tonight", not knowing that she'd died in that hour.

...

People have said that it's wrong timing, that it's the new year and she could have picked a better time to die. That it sucked that I spent the New Year on my own at home, with no dinner and not even able to call for a pizza.

But the thing is...I don't really care. It's just another day. I feel better that she's done resting now. She's been fighting for a long time, and I saw just how things were for her. How worn out she was getting in the end. I think, for the last month, she was just fighting for us than for herself.

So I don't mind sacrificing my new year, just so she can rest. It's just a holiday, a reset on your calendar. And at this point, i'm beginning to realize one thing.

You can celebrate everyday.

There's Always The Next Year

My aunt just died today.

She's been sick for two years, and today at 7pm, she finally gave up her fight with breast cancer. My parents are at the hosptital taking care of business, while I was here wrapping up some left-over projects.

So yeah, i'm home alone this New Year. But it's hard to feel sorry for yourself when your aunt is dead and you're really just...melancholy during New Years.

I tried ordering some pizza for myself, but alas. Even Pizza Hut was closed for the holidays. My other aunt invited me over to their house, but I just didn't feel like dealing with people today.

So I made some hot cocoa and popped in a DVD of Love Actually and got even more smarmy over my New Year.

At midnight my parents called me from the hospital to ask me how I was doing. I told them I was okay, but I called my mom "auntie" twice because I couldn't hear her and was just going thought the "Greet anyone Happy New Year" mode.

It's been surreal.

No new year's eve dinner, no plans for tomorrow. Probably start on my next project while I wake up early and help out at home, since my parents will most likely come in at around 6 am.

Anyway, when the fireworks started I thought of just staying in because...I just didn't feel like coming out. My neighbors all bought these kickass fireworks, but I told myself "Well, there's always next year"...until I realized that maybe there wouldn't.

Who knows what can happen, right? My aunt knew she was going to die, but she didn't know that it would be this new year. I bet she thought she could squeeze in another fireworks display, or another dinner.

So even though I didn't want to, I came out and just...looked. Watched as my neighbors honked their horns, made some noise. Watched more fireworks.

I just kept thinking "What if I don't have a next year?"

So I watched. If not for me, then for my aunt. And for everyone who just didn't make it for another New Year.