And that's the way things go...

Yesterday I spoke with my supervisor to tell him that I would be quitting my job. It was a sad and emotional experience but something that I really had to do.

It was a difficult thing, turning away from all that money. If I could juggle both, if I could do the job and then write, I would have loved it. But as things stand right now, there is no way for me to be able to write two full length scripts then co-produce some of them at the same time if I have to be tied to my PC every 9pm.

I was still a little iffy about it--after all, who hell wants to lose income--but when my script for a short got picked up, it was all over.

I just took a peek at my tentative sched and realized that there was no way I could make this work. With everyone from the crew having a day job and lonely me with the only night job, I wasn't going to fit in. Not with rehearsals and production meetings happening at 5pm, and weekend shoots with call-times at 6am.

In a way, it hurt more because of the money. I didn't want to have to lose any. Because for a time, I was a kid who earned a ridiculous amount. I got to go on vacation without ever thinking of how much I was spending. I indulged myself with cab rides and designer coffee and mini shopping spree's ate wherever the fuck I wanted.

And I got to treat people to boot.

But for the past few months, I was never really happy. And if what makes me sad right now is walking away from the money and not losing the people from my job, then it makes sense to walk away now than to continue being miserable because I had to pass up the oppurtunities that are coming into my life.

Career wise, things are really picking up for me now. The production company that we're setting up is seems to be making a name--and just on it's first outing. That's a pretty big deal (considering that we haven't even registered)

So here's to moviemaking--hopefully this is just the start of things.

Things I will Never Do on a Full Moon Week

1. Accept an additional project--be it for more money, for fun, for games, to help someone out. Nothing new, no additional work.

2. Get out of the house...not to the nearby mall, beyond my gate and just wandering within the subdivision. NO. At this rate I will most likely be run over...or worse, bump into someone I do not want to see.

3. Family Intervention. This is the last time I am fucking talking to my w!tch grandmother just to tell her that maids are people. Let her be accountable to the All Mighty.

4. Phonecalls. Have less of them. Fuck, avoid them. Don't have them. Any conversation you'll have for this week will no doubt get sucky through the week.

McBusy

1. ulcer

2. headache

3. anxiety

4. new glasses

5. vertigo

Spark My Fanny

Yes, here I am again, blogging while on the clock.

I would have said that this is a nice side benefit to working at home, but honestly? I didn't much care about that when I was working in a real office (awaaaay from home) either.

It keeps me from going nuts.

Anyway, at "work" I am calling people like crazy again. Which is what I was hired for. I am "the phone girl" and it has just occured to me that I have been "the phone girl" for close to...well, maybe not years.

But I just realized that for every job that i've been hired, it mostly has something to do with answering phones. At least, it starts that way.

So by now, i've worked at a callcenter, been a "receptionist", then a "virtual receptionist".

Of course, I did/do more stuff other than answer phones, some of which even required some neurons (though not much of that lately), but it always starts with me getting hired for my accent.

Looking back, it has--at least, collectively-- provided me with a job for close to...well, two or three years. Since I left college.

Imagine that.

Fucking Riddles

My friend got me hooked into this. Too bad I don't have enough fucking time.

Go here and try and solve this. It's suppose to be fun.

I suggest you cheat.

Contagion

There is a contagion of anxiety-ants crawling in my head right now.

I'm blogging on the clock--again--to keep myself from going crazy. I keep telling myself that this is my last month, but everytime I look at my bank account I cringe.

All that hard work going down the drain for the next few months. Not seeing movies, going out for dinner, or DVD splurges. No clothes shopping, no salons, and absolutely no way to travel.

That really kills me.

But whenever I take a look at the other things, the stuff that i'm giving this up for...it makes me want to pack up my bags and just go. Leave now. Take the leap and just sit in front of my PC again and just let things fly.

You save money...for what? You save time...for what? If the world ended tomorrow, what would I have to say? About myself? And of my accomplishments?

I have no idea.

Would it really kill me to skip those dinners out? To not see those movies? Would it really kill me if I downgrade my net subscription a few kbps? And how the heck would I travel anyway, when I don't even have the time to!

What am I really giving up?

It all seems so frivolous. A few months ago I didn't even have this much money to spend, I didn't have all these privilages. Now I can afford a lot more. It's pretty ridiculous...I should be thankful for what I have.

Laarni was right in asking "How long can you hold out?" Because money can only take you so far. If everything starts to weigh on you, and it starts eating on your morale, then maybe it's time to cut your loses and go.

I have 14 more working days until I reach a decision, on whether or not I will go this month.

The money makes me wish that I had longer, but my sanity thinks that it's just one day too far.

Done, Done, Done

I finally finished my assignment for my second job. I'll probably take a weekend then do it all over again.

Karen insists that we splurge on a fancy dinner--but that's if the client pays us. Unsatisfied client=no payment. And that happens.

Such is the life of a starving writer.

Ground Zero

My room looks like it's been hit by a tornado.

The last time I needed a cleaning spree this badly was two years ago in my old room, where I spent three eight hour days just dumping stuff out.

Right now, I am in the process of throwing out a lot of stuff and moving things around. I'm creating a workspace for when I start writing again, as well as a place to store what appears to be my make-up. I didn't think I owned that many lip glosses, but between my sudden obsession to get the right color and gifts from my students, I seem to have grown quite a collection.

I'm also setting up a nice editing bay for myself.

Hopefully my second job works out, because I do need a no brainer job that will provide me with some sort of income, and this is as good as they get. Pretty good pay and telecommuting for not a lot of hours. Boring as hell but they pay is worth it.

Anyway, my room is progressing quite nicely. I've been pretty busy these past few days so I haven't had much time to be nostalgic. I am just throwing out whatever crap I won't be wearing again and shit that I am now sure I won't read, or don't need to keep.

I am running up a deadline and things have been pretty hectic with my day (night) job, so i've been a zombie these past few days.

I have a meeting with the crew next week that is making me nervous. The script isn't progressing as fast as I want it to, but now that i'm looking at it, I am just on time with it. It takes a long time to write a draft, then redraft. Patience is the key word here, though it's a bit hard to be patient when you've got a camera crew attached already.

Anyway, maybe this weekend will provide me with enough reprieve to sit back and study, not tp mention shop and make some very important phonecalls.

Hopefully by August things will be set up.

Would You Kill Me If...

Since I am about to quit my job and feeling particularly destructive, I feel like I should come clean...

I work for a spammer.

Before you all troop down and spam my blog to pieces, let the record show that I am--truly, honestly, bleeding at the bottom of my heart--sorry for all the people that I have spammed in my previous jaunt (sorry Karen) and the executives we are spamming now (we only spam the big-wigs!)

Although I don't own the finger that presses the send button, I do own the voice that follows up the people who are interested in our services.

Yes, we have a product and it's real. At least that I can be somewhat proud of, because the product is pretty good.

So I am just a spammer by association, a meek lemming hovering in the sidelines.

That small fact is the only thing that allows me to sleep at night, though lately I have been sleeping much too often...way too often to warrant a mental alert in my pysch radar.

My other job...well, my other job has me on a non-disclosure agreement, so I can't really talk about that lest they fly over the Atlantic and drag me to the local poh-OR-simply sue my ass until there is nothing left except...um, let's not talk about that.

Anyway, for someone who is about to get the rug pulled under her, I am feeling particularly happy. I didn't get as much money as I wanted, but I was able to buy the necessary equipment that I do need.

The funny part is, according to Hollywood standards, I am doing things right: work odd jobs. Quit often. Be a cheapskate.

Or in my case: Stay away from Starbucks. Close your eyes when you pass by the shoe section at the mall--in fact, avoid the shoe section and shoe stores in general. Same goes for shops that carry pretty XS clothes. Wake up on time so you can stop taking the taxi to wherever you need to go in order to make that meeting. Be happy with one burger, and for God's sake, stop it with the food!

Three months teaching english and five months of this--not bad, I guess. Eight months is a pretty long time for me to be away from my real job, which is writing.

I think it's time for me to put in that the necessary eight hours a day again that I need to write my stuff. It is, after all, WORK.

Bloody Red Carpet

Last Saturday, Laarni and I got all dolled up to go to the 28th Gawad Urian Awards which is the Philippine version of the Critics Choice Award.

It was fun, exhausting, and exciting as hell.

We received the invite the eve before the event, spent the following day shopping for a dress and getting our hair and make-up done, then tackling the torrentous rains that followed just to get to the event.

We got there right as it was about to start and ended up having a superbly inspiring time. The mother of the guy who co-produced the movie that won best picture was sitting right next to me. She kept crying because the movie took ten years to finish (it was Rebolusyon ng Pamilyang Pilipino by Lav Diaz, who also won best script even if there was none)

Her son dropped by the orchestra after he won to leave his awards with his parents, and we were drooling just by looking at the trophy.

Ah, so near yet so far away.

We left as soon as the Best Actress Award was given away, because our ride was already waiting for us and we absolutely had to go.

It was an amazing night, plus the lady sitting next to me (the mom!) said I had pretty feet which is one of my biggest insecurities.

Laarni and I went home, smiling like we'd just won something and vowing to just go for it.

I can't quit my job yet, I still need the money for this month. But as soon as I make the upgrade and bank enough to pay for my net bill, it's buh-bye first job.

I have two screenplays lined up to be written, one with a full storyline up for a draft and rewrite, and another a treament up for expansion.

Both are way overdue, and if it weren't for the money, i'd be hammering away right now.

Looking at it, I could quit my other job right now and it would be okay. But another months worth of salary won't be too bad, and I just...I have no idea how to send in my notice. I've just been in this job a total of three months and i'm already moving on.

I thought i'd last longer, but somehow it just isn't a fit. Hopefully, I will be paid the remaining balance that he has with me (which will take care of my net-bills for the rest of the year!)

I'm really excited with moving on.

I've got a ton of things to do, and since I already have that crew attached, I am itching to begin that journey.

I was initially afraid to make the sacrifice, but there are people counting on me now, so it's easier to let go of some things. The pressure is much higher for me to produce that first draft, and for the first time in months i'm welcoming it.

I guess being at the awards, and just...realizing what I truly want, despite the money, makes pushing myself much easier.

I don't know what will happen in the coming months, but I have a feeling that it will be all good.

LUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

It's pretty annoying that Luke Walton is going to be in a concert at the Araneta Coliseum and I have to be...someplace else.

I love Luke Walton, and not just for his basketball skills. He just seems like an all around geat guy from his interviews (not too bad on the eyes, either)

For him to even breath the same air and stepped in the same airport that I did is just...wow. It's really...damn I wish I could go!

Funny part is, I will be in the area. I don't know if he'll stay until tomorrow, but even if he did, I couldn't do anything since I have my second job to attend to and deadlines to meet this wednesday.

Why couldn't this have happened next week?

Coming through!!!

My schedule these past few days has been grueling.

Laarni and I just had a discussion on the "horror script", since with two scripts now entering development and both just about to go into page one...I certainly cannot do both.

And since "script two" is closer to who I am right now, it will be easier for me to focus on getting dialogue for that.

So, as of now, the story for the "horror script" will be mine, with translations--and thus, probably a bulk of the dialogue--will fall in Laarni's capable shoulders. Rewrites will be from the both of us, and with some nods and modifications coming from "the crew".

In the meantime, I have a few things lined up. They're still a few months down the road and barring complications, all of them are pretty permanent.

Let's cross our fingers.

Right now though, I seem to be busy going to, setting up, and hoping for "meetings". Or going to "events" that will hopefully further my career.

Laarni is psyched while I'm exhausted.

But at least it's going out, right?

Karen recently mentioned that if I should go on to take two jobs, I should at least make the second one remotely social.

Right now, everything happens in my bedroom: sleeping, eating, working day job(s), writing, and pleasure reading. Movement is restricted to my bed, my pc, and my desk, all of which are a mere feet from each other.

All three of us are pretty much hermit crabs, wherein you need to poke us in order to get us to move or even come out.

Karen has a job that takes her around the country (and out of the house), Laarni has a boyfriend who drags her out, while I have these...events.

Here's to "events" then. Thanks for showing me daylight.

Kill Me Again, Why Don't You?

I am in the process of producing a supernatural thriller.

It has a killer premise, a production crew attached, and if we can pull off the opening scene, the possibility of backers.

Which is why I am writing a supernatural thriller...The sad part?

So's everyone else.

The most frustrating thing right now is making your story stand out from the slew of horror/supernatural thriller/slasher/plain old thriller that seems to have come out since The Ring.

Sure, no idea is original. It's all a trend. But do I really want to wear the damn cropped up jeans at a time when everyone seems to be wearing the exact same cropped up jeans?

Only when the powers that be tell you I guess, and right now that's called my "production crew a.k.a. my conscience".

It's All About The Money

I might just be able to afford that PC upgrade that i've been wanting--as well as a new TV--without having to dip too much into my bank account.

It seems pretty funny, because I don't necessarily know what i'm saving for.

I know I need to have money in the bank for...whatever. I also need a bunch of other stuff--fix my car, uy a laptop. Money for when I don't work next year...

You have to make sacrifices.

But thinking of what I went through last year, of running out of money...it was pretty horrible, and I wasn't even out on the street.

It's scary, being poor. Being in debt. And I wasn't even starving, I was no where near the gutter and yet I was panicking.

My friend Karen and I were talking about that last night. How we both lived in Ivory Towers and didn't seem to know what went on in the world around us. What was normal, what everyone else felt.

I think, in being the observer, we somehow ostracized ourselves from the crowd. We spent a lot of time living inside our heads, parsing the information we just saw, and as a result, just...stayed there. It's really not uncommon for any one of my friends to just say frozen for a few hours, processing an obervation or an idea.

I guess i'm just frustrated right now.

Success doesn't come overnight, I know that and although I am working pretty hard, I still don't think i'm working as hard as I should be. There are a lot of things that play into writing a script. Much as I'd want to say I'm a natural at it, no script is ever really done that way. It's mostly just made to look that way. I honestly can't even get the language right.

I don't speak Filipino as much as I should, I don't use it as much as I should. But now i've gotten better at it. So for that, i'm pretty thankful.

I'm just going crazy right now. I hate thinking about money, but I imagine that people think about it more than 50% of the time. Between that and sex I guess the human mind can be a bit of a sleazeball.

Oh well. Dinner.

Somewhere in Between

I'm having an okay week.

I'm doing pretty good in terms of finances--at least for this week. I'm in this kind of limbo where I'm just...resigned towards a lot of things. I don't really know what to feel, it's like having frostbite on your emotions.

My mom and I went out for lunch and saw a movie today. It was pretty fun. I haven't been out in almost two weeks so it was a change for me. Went to the bank too.

So it was a day full of errands where I just walked around the mall with my mom feeling somewhat disassociated.

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

I know I should be happy that things are going well...maybe i've grown complacent? I'm comfortable with my life, there are some who wouldn't be able to say the same thing.

Happy Holiday

Today is Memorial Day in the US. It's technically a holiday for me, but since both my bosses are out and I have no idea if this is also a holiday for me, I am--alas--working.

Though obviously not as hard as I should since I am blogging.

It should be noted though that I am getting more emails and even a phone call today, which was deferred to voicemail since I am supposed to be "on vacation" along with the rest of the citizens.

Oh well.

I just found out that Memorial Day in the US is similar to "All Soul's Day" here in the Philippines. This is a new thing, because I always thought that Memorial Day was a Veteran associated event. Kind of like a war thing. Guess not.

I did some studying tonight regarding "my craft" and got a headache again in writing. I think I need a vacation, but I really do know that I'm just thinking too much.

I think it's because while my movie was pegged as "horror" it really is just "fantasy", thus my muse is rearing her (ugly?) head due to this false identification.

One of the advice that i've been handed down with was that I should first start with a genre. Sure you can get creative if you want to, but later. Right now, you want to be pigeonholed and stereotyped. Let them label you and remember you.

Uh-huh. Got that.

When I came out of the Tagaytay Workshops, I was labeled as a "horror writer" and since it's the "in" thing right now I got a nod over that.

But the thing is...I don't think I am a horror writer. At least, not in the Asian sense, which is the current trend. I think I can do it, I think I can come up with a story on that, but I don't think it's something I'm comfortable with.

I think I do fantasy better. Ray Bradbury stuff.

The funny thing is, a lot of people praise stuff like Scream for being absolutely brilliant. I remember after it came out that it resulted in a slew of slasher movies.

But for me, the real slasher movie is something Dario Argento would make. Sure, the film grade seems old, the narration is cheesy, but it's really fuck as scary.

You don't want to buy it when you first see it, but it's after you see it that you start getting scared.

Is there someone out there to get me? Is that tub of water safe? What happens behind me when I am not looking? What hides in the dark?

That's what horror is. And I think i'm just too much of a scaredy cat to make that.