21 Days and Counting...

This is week three of the enforced "hunger strike", proudly brought to you by my sponsors: "my mother".

For the past twenty or so days, my mother has taken up the much worthy cause of forcing me to go take a corporate job by refusing to feed me. Or rather, refusing to call me to the table to eat and never leaving leftovers...but let's give her credit. She did during the first week, but when she found that I wouldn't cave, she stopped.

So now, it's either "starve" or "come to the table and eat your pride".

Now pride is an interesting meal. It has no taste, no texture, and after 48 hours of subsisting on just one piece of bread, hardly filling. Yet for something unsubstantial, you'll be amazed at how much this can fuel you through the days. It opens your mind to new possibilities (or is it delusions?) and be a source of motivation.

Hunger, on the other hand, is something quite different. I suppose it can mean many different things to several kinds of people. For one, I can't tell what it's like to be a hungry homeless guy. Neither can I tell you what it's like for an anorexic who is desperately trying to miss her next meal.

I can only tell you what it's like for a near 26 year old writer still at home with her parents and still be hungry.

1. Pride and hunger come hand in hand.

When what's being served is your pride and self-worth, you will find the will to work and still skip that next meal.

2. If what's being served is your pride and self-worth, it becomes easy to quantify what exactly they're worth.

Is it worth four hot meals, peppered with well-meaning but painful advice? Is that piece of chicken worth the insults that you're going to take when you eat it? How long can you last with just one small meal in a day so long as you can live out your ambition?

3. When you have none, but live in a place that has a lot, it becomes easier to be hungry.

Like I said, I can't describe what it's like to be homeless and hungry. I don't know what it's like to live day by day, not knowing where your food is going to come from. But if you can't afford to go out to eat all the time, and table scraps from your own table is pretty much what you rely on, it's pretty easy for you to want more.

4. Sleeping becomes a wonderful option.

Hunger takes a lot of energy, not just physical but mental. You really can't think. Your hands ache and your arms become heavy. You wonder if you'll be able to stand up. When you get to that point, it's easy for your brain to succomb to that mental exhaustion. Forgetting stuff you thought about five minutes ago, retracing your steps to remember what it is again. Being tired for just thinking what it was you were thinking about. It gets easy to be beaten by your own body, and without any food, you do the next best thing to recharge. You sleep.

5. Remembering that dreams are for free.

I used to be able to control my own dreams. I still can to a certain extent, but not as lucid as I used to. It's a skill, and just like any other skill, you lose it when you don't use it. It's not like riding a bike. But the good thing about it, is that you can pick it up again, and depending on how your going to deal with yourself when you wake up, it's a great place to stow hunger: You can eat all you want. You can be wherever you want to be.

I don't dream about McDonalds, but I have dreamt about eating. I try not to be disappointed when I wake up. But then again, I usually go to bed praying that i'll dream about solving the kinks in my storyline.

6. Pity is your number one enemy.

I can't speak for other circumstances, but I think this is pretty universal. I used to have this question, of whether or not it was better to beg for food or beg for money when you were too poor and hungry.

I'm not munching on Oreos from a trash bin yet, but if you have to give up eating even if it is to follow your bliss, you can feel pretty sorry-ass fucked up for yourself. It's not easy being hungry, especially when you know that there's food. It's much easier to be angry and sorry for yourself, and tthat requires a lot of mental energy. Which is why you constantly have to remind yourself: you're following your bliss.

7. Food has new meaning.

Last week Xarra and I ate at Triple V's Ultimate Buffet. It was the first real meal I'd had in four days and having been a big eater, my mind went into shock. But I just had one plate and coughed down four pieces of salmon sushi. One plate. Xarra thought I was dying, she'd never seen me eat so little. She also fet like I didn't get my money's worth.

But I did. Sitting there, I wanted to cry. I'd had rice and kare-kare, and by the time I reached the sushi I wanted to throw up, I was so full. Having nothing for so long, my stomach couldn't handle the sudden rush of food. Everything looked so good, just smelling them filled me. If we hadn't been in a hurry maybe I would have thrown up, because as Xarra said, when would I get to eat that much again?

I have no idea. But I have to say that it was worth it. Because for the past three weeks, that's what it's been.

How much is your bliss? What exactly is your dream worth? What are you willing to give up just to get there?

I know I can't afford to move out. I also know that I cannot afford to have a full time corporate job. Not if I want to get to where I want to.

Right now it seems like I am looking at the rest of my life. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know that I have a choice when it comes to where I want to be career wise, and i'm making a decision.

If that choice means skipping another meal, then i'll do it. If that choice means living another year at home, i'll take it. If that choice means losing my parents respect, then i'll do that. Although if this is how they're judging me, I don't think they ever did respect me in the first place. Or whether I want that respect.

I've seen way too many people reach the end of their life regretting that they never made that sacrifice. Because when you're at the precipice, staring at the void, things like a hot meal and what other people think suddenly have very little meaning.

Follow your bliss, and everything will fall into place.