Listening to They Might Be Giants.

My mind is going numb from this never ending search for stuff that should go into the bluebook. I know it's a lot of work--heck, I see the papers in my desk and the nubers I have to call, so I know it's a lot of work. But sitting in front of the PC for so long...talking on the phone all day...

...One day, i'll learn to put an icon of a cross -eyed smiley with dribble running from his face right about here.

Anyway, Laarni asked me to do something rather amusing today: blog about our discussion just so she can see another person's opinion about today's discussion.

At about 3:40 this afternoon, Laarni and I did something very bad. We...went out and ran to the Mickey D's across the street to take a break from our office lives and consume minimal amounts of nutrious but fattening McDonalds fastfood.

It felt guilting, taking a break from work because we didn't have anything overy pressing to do. But at the same time I felt really great...free somehow. I know it's just the McDonalds across the street, but for some reason I felt like a kid again. Not someone who had this much her bank account and is perpetual fear of being destitute...did I mention the depleting ozone layer or the stupid way huge financial instiutions bully developing and third world nations?

Anyway, I felt like a teenager again, sitting in your corner McD's, enjoying my sundae with a friend, with absolutely no care in the world. And just to stay in the spirit of things, we talked about something perenially girl: boys.

Although at this point, I think I should stop calling them boys and start referring to them as men, seeing as my male buddies have grown up enough to be taking out insurance policies and dumb enough to start babies without ever planning them...errrr....oing back to the sundaes....

Laarni and I had gold ole fashioned girl talk.

It's been a while since I had that. Xarra is always busy, Lianne has Neil (or not), Charisse is so far away and Christine never cared much for things like these...well, she listened...

Anyway, we talked about our past non-relationships.

I'll say one thing, love might be universal, and there may be no such thing as an original concept anymore, but the idea that the two of us would share something in common just blows me.

We sat there, with my sundae and her two large fries, discussing one particular guy from our high school.

I guess it started with my mentioning my crush for Lester--last name ommitted because who the hell knows who might do a google search--and my stalker tendencies.

I did a lot of lame ass things when I was a 6th grade which got worse and--thankfully --peaked, when finished my freshman year in HS.

Needless to say, said activities were motivated by "young love" and my delusions of being an amateur detective. I still can't believe that I never kept a detailed diary when I was 12, yet wrote each and every dubious relationship-like move that my crush and this girl did. It's insane.

Or I was just being 12.

Laarni stumbled into her Magnificent Obsession when she was around the same age too.

Our stories are almost the same: we have this one guy in our life who's role we never could determine. We knew him when we were young, had these feelings and chance moments, but nothing ever came out of it. They had other relationships, we have other relationships, but this connection with this one guy never stopped.

As an aside...I'm being vague about this in case MY Magnificent Obessesion Par Deux decided to do a search on MY name. The chances are remote--he fucking hates Google--but given that i've had a lot of remarkable things happen to me this January I am not taking any chances...and i'm barely into the month.

Much excitement this year, I will have. Predict this, I will. Good excitement, I hope. Bad excitement...i'd rather be fuckass bored.

Going back...

Laarni and I talked mainly about unfinished business, because this is what it was. Unfinished business.

Looking at her...I must admit, i've never been a great listener. Through the years, i've gotten better, since some people seem to consider me their voice of reason--crazy, dribble face smiley--while some strangers feel compelled to our out their life stories to me.

This time, I really listened. I may have done it before, but this is the first time I've thought "am I giving this person enough of my undivided attention?"

I felt a bit guilty of injecting some of my experiences, but everything had to be done in quick bursts since we could only stay for 30 or so minutes. But given that Laarni and I have had some tiffs, it felt pretty good that she was talking to me. I keep having to remind myself that it's okay for friends to have some falling out sometimes, since Christine and I never fought in the whole eight years we were friends.

As she was talking, I kept noting how animated she became the more she talked about this person. She's with someone now, but until I brought it up, it never even came up.

But then again...he wasn't the topic of the whole conversation, the topic was Mr. Magnificent Obsession.

And he never goes away, right?

...

Sometimes I wonder how the other person is feeling. Just from watching Laarni, I know just how big a deal this is to her, but what about him? Countless of times, i've sat in front of Christine going over and over about how I felt with my Mr. Magnificent Obsession--or Mr. MO since it's getting to be annoying typing all that.

Mr. MO, was he thinking about me when I hemmed and hawed over our business? Does it even bother him? Does he even remember me even when he doesn't see me? The situation itself is shitty. How do you deal with a non-relationship? Or more importantly, how do you break it up? Because it seems like it will never end.

It's been a year since the non-break up, but Mr. MO and I are still working hard at rebuilding our friendship.

Some days, when we're alone, I try and wonder if I did the right thing. I don't want to look back to this five or ten years from now, and regret not ever trying.

But at the same time, I would forever regret it if I made a mistake. Being great friends, the margin of error is quite thin. Would it have worked out? Heck, did he ever really feel the same?

Some have said that "It's better to have loved than lost", but what if you did love and you lost your best friend? Was it worth the experience?

Or is this feeling better? To always be thinking of this "what if", nursing a perpetual crush and a romantic notion that your life could have been different if you had just had the courage to act on your intuition.

Is is worth that? For the rest of your life?

I used to think "Oh, this will end. I'll have someone, and I won't even recall ever having these feelings for him. Something i'll laugh about when everything ends..."

But Laarni has a boyfriend, yet it seems to have shown no signs of abating.

I may not be Laarni, but who says I can't be any different? I could have my own Robbie McNeill clone, but still feel this way when Mr. MO comes around. Then how would the current man in my life react to that?

Non-relationship my ass, I would still be bothered if my boyfriend/husband still harbored some pretty strong feelings for some girl.

Maybe you trust him, but it's never easy to share the heart of someone you love with someone from their past.

...

That's the frustrating part, I think. The past. This feeling, this guy, should have been part of my past, but for some reason he's stubbornly clinging to my present and seems to have every intention of staying for my future.

Sometimes I think it would have been easier if we--Mr. MO--had just gotten things done and over with. Go out for a couple of months until we got this out of our system...

I don't think i've helped Laarni much, even if I listened and tried to offer some bits of information. If anything, i've just made her think about it more.

On the way in, I told Laarni that we should make this into a New Year's resolution. Niether of us are into making them, but this one seems priority enough to merit one.

Since Kahless, I can't feel like this forever!

Do an outline...make a workplan, i'd joked to her. I wonder how one could accomplish doing something like this up.

...

Sometimes, in me and Mr. MOs numerous night outs, i'm tempted to just lean over and kiss him. To just let it all go. If it fails, it fails. If he responds...What will I do? What then?

Can't I ever win?!