Sick, Tired, and Hungry

It's done, officialy poor.

As of today, my bank account only holds a little over 500 bucks.

I still have money, but after paying bills and whatever other expenses, I will only have about a hundred dollars to my name.

I'm expecting some cash from my mom and my aunt, but the fact that they're handouts makes it harder for me to receive them. I need it, in order to stay afloat, but after working knowing the value of money earned, the difference between "your money" and "gift money" has never been so big.

Still, money is money and i'm thankful for it. No one really cares where it came from except for me, and stores and creditors don't exactly give a shit about how you feel so long as you pay them.

My friend Karen said that maybe doing freelance was the way to go. If I get that handout, it may just be a sign that I'm still okay not taking up a day job and living off that while I sort things out.

Things such as my career, my own personal goals, and in what general direction do I really want to be heading.

For the past few months, i've been so focused on writing that I really didn't think of much else. It's as if my job literally became my life, so when that slowed down my whole life slowed down too.

Lately i've been going through so many changes, but I've felt none of them because I was so focused on writing.

But now everything is catching up on me forcing me to deal with the ramifications: my aunts sickness, business after her death, my own deadlines from work which I can't seem to meet, getting to know myself again apart from this persona that I would like to achieve, my parents, my other friends, my relatives...

Like a few days ago I went out with my friend Xarra for the first time in months. Days before that, I talked to her on the phone after not having called her for a month and a half. We could barely go without talking to each other for more than a week.

It was all..."Life after the workshop".

After the workshop, I realized just how much work I still needed to do, how much I still needed to grow--as a writer and a person.

That threw me for a loop. I think i've been in limbo mainly because I didn't know how to deal with the changes that were happening, and how to initiate the ones that I should be making.

It doesn't help that my body seems to be joining in the fray. My metabolism is burning on the upside again, which means I am perpetually hungry. And since i'm burning food faster, i'm not really gaining any weight save for the lazy-fat that's collecting in my gut.

I'm more sensitive to the heat. I've started drinking more water. On some days, my body stores up so much energy after a meal that I run around in my room and just...stretch. I can't do much exercise since I am at my aunts most of the time, and being around her just...takes so much of my energy.

But she's in so much pain that if draining a bit of my emotional energy makes her feel better, then i'lll gladly do it and just deal with the exhaustion by literally slumping to bed.

I knew that I was going to adjust to a lot this year, so I'm more or less prepared to face everything. But the funny part is, I feel like there should be more changes, even when I feel like there will be more coming.

I don't know if i'm making much sense. Maybe this is just me settling into my pre-birthday mode. I'm turning 24 this year, and for me that's a big number.

Jeez, maybe I just need confusion in my life.