It has just occured to me that I have no idea what to do for the rest of my life.

From someone who has spent days holed in the library reading about criminalistics, onto someone who has spoken passionately about helping children through drama-therapy, then (bravely, stupidly) wanting to move to MSU-Naawan just to study Islamic Studies...

I have no direction.

This is a serious thing. You should some fucking place to go, have some sort of an idea besides "I have to finish my schooling, then have a job, go have a family, blah, blah, blah..."

It doesn't go that way anymore. Especially if you've interviewed hundreds of people, all of them in possession of the highly prized college diploma, and frustrated as hell because they cannot get a decent job.

It may be the wrong way to go about it, but I am at the point that I am yelling "Fuck it! Screw who ever you are. I will not submit to this reality. I will do what I fucking love and I will do it bloody well."

Not the prettiest of words, but the anger really reflects my mood.

I've always been goal oriented. ADD aside, kriszia with a purpose is a force to be reckoned with. When I wanted something, I made sure that I could get it.

Passion is admirable. Misdirected passion is bad. Passion without direction...well that's just plain shit, isn't it?

I just wish I knew where I was going to go, what I'm supposed to do.

I do not want to make the mistake of going back to school simply to earn a degree, or just to validate myself to the rest of the world. I've gone past that.

Years ago I told myself that the last thing I wanted to be was stuck. Stuck in a job that I hated, with bills I could not pay, and with a family that I was beginning to hate.

I'd hate to be stepping out of my future home, getting into my economy car, dreading the way to work, thinking "I hate all this. I never imagined this."

I never wanted the normal life, and I guess that's what I want to avoid. Let life be exciting, just never boring. Never normal. Never mediocre.

The sick part of it is that in every dream that I have, I never once think I would fail, and I still think that way.

I never got past the first stages with all those dreams, but I never imagines failure in any of them.

I just...I want to hold on water and feel the air. That's what I want to do.