Frequency

Had a long YM session Laarni today.

It was great just catching up with each others lives, trying to see where the other was headed.

To be perfectly honest, I don't miss the office all that much except on those days when I get to think of Laarni or Sally. "Work", wherever it may be, keeps me from connecting with everyone.

I feel guilty that I still owe people letters and e-mails and sometimes even text messages. A burst of shortwave signal to tell them that i'm still alive.

It's hard to believe that one who is just home can be so busy, but even I have to balk that a month only has 31 days. It's the last week of April and I still have about a ton of research to do for Nation 2 Nation and my UN group. Plus, an article for June.

Sometimes I wish that I could just live in my head, like that writer guy who played Phillip Padgett in the X-files episode "Milagro". I thought it was freakingly cool that all he had in his apartment was a table, a chair, an old typewriter, a bed in his bedroom...I don't even think he had a fridge.

But talking with Laarni today made me realize that I do miss connecting with my friends.

In a way, I am living in my head. I don't think my brain has stopped developing different plots in my head. Today, I wrote down an entire show from a premise.

Granted, it may not come out as the "best episode", but if filmed right it could be an excellently put together installment, not something that could be regarded as just a filler for a crop of 24 episodes.

I told Laarni that I had about 14 in development for that show: about 4 of them I'd had in my head for a long time, and of the remaining ten, about three were in serious development and the rest were premises waiting to be expounded.

She said that it was a lot, while in my head, they are...well, they're nothing yet.

In some ways, I feel kind of cool that I can think of things that not a lot of people can. That some of the moments that people take for granted are nuggets of inspiration for me. Especially now that I am being particularly creative. I don't think I can look at something as dull as a piece of paper without considering it as...something.

I told Laarni that I have to be scared in order to come up with ideas, which means that now I am perpetually scared.

I'm not agoraphobic or anything, but my mind is at hyperdrive.

I always had an overactive imagination, sometimes to the point of distraction. When I was a kid, there were times when I'd watch an episode of "Tales from the Darkside" and be a total basketcase the next day.

I have that sensitivity again.

I'll stand in front of a mirror and forever think, what if I saw something behind me? What if I saw something or someone looking in from my window? From our neighbors rooftop?

Five am this morning, a mosque from a neighboring subdivision decided to put a womans voice next to their morning prayers. Her voice was so haunting that I thought a ghost was trying to tell me something.

It's stupid, but I keep wondering what the hell i'm going to do when something does happen and it dawns on me that this time, it's REAL.

I'm not one of those people who hope for a supernatural experience. I don't go looking for ghosts, reading strange books or saying weird chants just hoping something will happen.

The hair on my neck still stands everytime I get up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, and even though it makes me feel foolish, sometimes I even run through the darkness to get back to my room.

You won't see me in Scariest Places on Earth lugging a camera. Heck, I can't even watch Scariest Places on Earth and not be paranoid about some of it a year later.

"What if that evil doll thing exists here and i've seen it?"

Still, thinking of stories like that motivates me. I don't know why they chose my head to be born in, but I sure as heck am not complaining about it.