Getting Up

It's weird how life sometimes takes your hand and leads you someplace you never once thought to go, but just had to see.

I fucking like my students. Right now, I actually enjoy what I do. The pay is dirt cheap, but despite the politics that is starting to go around, I actually like teaching.

There's something gratifying with being able to see some of your students progress.

And though some of the people there that you meet are fuck ass weird, some are real gems. The kind that you knew you had to meet, somewhere in life, for a reason.

I met an honest to goodness friend in that school. Seriously. It's like Big Me and Mini-Me with us. He's the absolute after and i'm his frigging before. He's looking at me right now (yet again) as his little sister, and tries to tell of all the mistakes that he's had before and is warning me not to follow.

It's weird right now, how...fucked up things are, but how ridiculously calm I am. It's like "yeah, it's shit, but here. Have my goat. I'm going to move forward."

My friend and I...we both have the same problem...well, he had it, i'm currently into it.

It's the whole "I can't get nothing' done" issue. I just can't buckle down, and I can't fucking finish anything. It's all frigging weird.

It's just...most days, it does take a long time to work with things you really don't want to fucking do. And the way my brain is wired, it just cannot process all that well when it's suddenly formed itself in a shape of a block and the rest of the world is a a triangular slot.

He sat me down and just went "Look, this is what I think you can do, based on some of my own experiences..."

He was frank, and really honest, and very optimistic. He talked some things over with me and just went "Look, I know things really suck right now, but the thing is...they could get worse. Still. And you're just going to have to look up from that, keep your head afloat, and get through it. Coz your only other option is to sink..."

I think it's because he just became a new dad, that's why he's so optimistic.

I've never met anyone who's been so encouraging in my whole life, and someone who I couldn't out-talk, out-smark, and comepletely weazel out of...and he's completely nice. Most of my friends are into some hard love, so if you suck they tell it to your face that you do.

I think I give him cred because he just...he knows where i'm coming from because he's been there.

When he asked my if I thought it was time to buckle down, I just thought "Well, you know what...this is it."

I just...this isn't really bottom. This is one of the ledges that's close to hitting bottom. But this isn't it.

I once told myself that i'd rather waitress than sell-out. Well, i've got a nice job. It doesn't pay well, could eventually pay well, but it's okay.

I don't have a lot of money right now, and I just found myself handing my mother 3/4 of my paycheck, partly to pay her back for the things I owe her, and some of it as just...her spending money.

Buying some of the students--who can afford a hecka lot more than I do--drinks, because it looked like they needed a little happy that day.

I got a bonus that I wasn't technically entitled to because the Filipino at accounting thought we teachers were underpaid as it is, and just...gave me extra money. So I decided to just...spread the blessings.

It's weird how, when you decide to suddenly look forward, things do change. You stop looking back, and just keep going forward. You right your mistakes, and even when you think some bridges can never be repaired, you at least make an effort to try and mend it, and just...move on.

It's pretty funny.

In my fanfic, my character lead told everyone that she didn't like thinking about regrets, that she loses more time that way.

It's true, you do. But I never really took my own advise. I'm fucking myself up blaming shit that happened in my past.

Sure, they inspire me. It's okay to think about it, but not to wallow in it.

I'm done. I'm moving again. I'm picking myself up. I'm in the gutter, now I can just try and move myself from the gutter again, and onto the street that will take me to where I am going to go.