I ran out of space in my head...the net seemed vast enough so I decided to lump it all here.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Yes, it does fucking bother me

Why is it that some people think that others want to see a picture of them naked?

I just checked my friendster account again after months of neglect and suddenly, pictures of people in Playboy poses pop up on my screen.

It's annoying.

I mean, here you are, quietly logging in the network to scour the bulletin board, when you see this idiot who thinks they've got what it takes to bare skin...and let's face it people, most of the time, they don't.

Yes, you're proud of your body, you're not ashamed of it, I get it. But posting it on a network where people can't help but see your ass and possibly lose their lunch...c'mon dude, be reasonable, some of us are delicate.

I mean, i'm not being a prude here, but there is a reason why the "no provocative pics" rule was established in tjat sight. It's to keep people like us from having their day ruined.

It's enough for me to find out that my sweet little friend from high school has now got it into her head to morph into a skank and show everyone...but I just had to suffer through the pic of a particularly annoying girl and her boyfriend in post coital bliss.

Hello, too much information?

We didn't even want to get to know her, much less know what she looks like after sex.

The ridiculous part is that she's doing all this to be all macho. The "look at me, i'm liberal and free" stand to the world.

So what, she has sex and wants everyone to know it? She should have at least just passed a text filled flyer, at least some of us would have had the option of throwing it out. But no, she had to go push the image of her and her boyfriend in bed.

And it's always the annoying girl that does this, always the person whom you never really liked but had the misfortune to know, spend most of your time being civil, and was just too polite to turn down her invite on friendster.

And you can't really say "don't look at it", because it's right fuck in the middle of the screen.

I say, if she wants this kind of publicity, then she should just post a message once in the bulletin boad on how she wants to have it and stop harassing us witht those pics.

We already have to suffer through some people's nudie pics, have pity and don't add any more.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Discipline

When I was 12, I got this whacky idea that I should be in the army.

I saw this movie about a kid who went to military school and thought he looked so regal. I asked my dad if I could go to military school when I started high school the next year, and his response was to tell me that if I went in, he wouldn't take me out--even for summers--for the next four years.

In short, he said no, but I'm pretty sure that if i'd asked harder, he'd had said yes.

Now why such a dumb request?

In the early days, I wanted to go navy because of the uniform. Then later on, I wanted to get in the army because I wanted the discipline.

I knew even then how hard it was to push myself. That if I really didn't like something, there was no way in hell that i'd be able to do it. I'd go nuts. But I thought that if maybe, just maybe, if I went in the military, i'd be forced to do even the most basic shit that I absolutely hated to do.

Stuff like making an incredibly neat bed, being obsessively organized and clean, being on time, sitting ramrod straight and eating in under ten minutes. That i'd learn how to take orders and respect authority and all those small things that the military requires out of your common soldier...stuff that I couldn't do unless you told me point blank that my fucking life depended on it.

Now I feel like laughing at the whole situation.

Twelve years. If I hadn't been rejected for being underweight at that military academy, I could have been a lieutenant by now, probably entering my second year of law school after wrapping up my two year tour of duty.

Or I could have been an enlisted soldier, or just a counselor in the Psychiatric Services center.

I still want it sometimes, though for the life of me, I think I would have gone crazy had I gone in. There would have been a point where i'd be tearing my hair out if I had to put on that uniform for another fuck-ass day.

I still think about it...what would my life be like, had I chosen that path. A career soldier. What are the places that I would have been, what are the things that I might have seen, what would I be like?

Would I have lasted long? Would I really have gone nuts? Would I be successful at it?

A professional soldier makes less than 20 grand a month. A lieutenant probably makes the same amount I do now and does double the amount of work. There would be tons of things I couldn't buy, and even more things I wouldn't be able to experience because of my schedule.

...

I just find it amazing to think that my life could have been incredibly different. That I could have gone in an entirely different direction become someone else.

I wonder sometimes, about all my decisions. So many of them are big things. I could have gone to any direction, done so many different things, that I could have been...a whole different person by now.

I could have been a soldier, a lawyer, a profiler, a psychologist...so many things.

I wonder how I would have been like if I'd chosen a different path.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Getting Up

It's weird how life sometimes takes your hand and leads you someplace you never once thought to go, but just had to see.

I fucking like my students. Right now, I actually enjoy what I do. The pay is dirt cheap, but despite the politics that is starting to go around, I actually like teaching.

There's something gratifying with being able to see some of your students progress.

And though some of the people there that you meet are fuck ass weird, some are real gems. The kind that you knew you had to meet, somewhere in life, for a reason.

I met an honest to goodness friend in that school. Seriously. It's like Big Me and Mini-Me with us. He's the absolute after and i'm his frigging before. He's looking at me right now (yet again) as his little sister, and tries to tell of all the mistakes that he's had before and is warning me not to follow.

It's weird right now, how...fucked up things are, but how ridiculously calm I am. It's like "yeah, it's shit, but here. Have my goat. I'm going to move forward."

My friend and I...we both have the same problem...well, he had it, i'm currently into it.

It's the whole "I can't get nothing' done" issue. I just can't buckle down, and I can't fucking finish anything. It's all frigging weird.

It's just...most days, it does take a long time to work with things you really don't want to fucking do. And the way my brain is wired, it just cannot process all that well when it's suddenly formed itself in a shape of a block and the rest of the world is a a triangular slot.

He sat me down and just went "Look, this is what I think you can do, based on some of my own experiences..."

He was frank, and really honest, and very optimistic. He talked some things over with me and just went "Look, I know things really suck right now, but the thing is...they could get worse. Still. And you're just going to have to look up from that, keep your head afloat, and get through it. Coz your only other option is to sink..."

I think it's because he just became a new dad, that's why he's so optimistic.

I've never met anyone who's been so encouraging in my whole life, and someone who I couldn't out-talk, out-smark, and comepletely weazel out of...and he's completely nice. Most of my friends are into some hard love, so if you suck they tell it to your face that you do.

I think I give him cred because he just...he knows where i'm coming from because he's been there.

When he asked my if I thought it was time to buckle down, I just thought "Well, you know what...this is it."

I just...this isn't really bottom. This is one of the ledges that's close to hitting bottom. But this isn't it.

I once told myself that i'd rather waitress than sell-out. Well, i've got a nice job. It doesn't pay well, could eventually pay well, but it's okay.

I don't have a lot of money right now, and I just found myself handing my mother 3/4 of my paycheck, partly to pay her back for the things I owe her, and some of it as just...her spending money.

Buying some of the students--who can afford a hecka lot more than I do--drinks, because it looked like they needed a little happy that day.

I got a bonus that I wasn't technically entitled to because the Filipino at accounting thought we teachers were underpaid as it is, and just...gave me extra money. So I decided to just...spread the blessings.

It's weird how, when you decide to suddenly look forward, things do change. You stop looking back, and just keep going forward. You right your mistakes, and even when you think some bridges can never be repaired, you at least make an effort to try and mend it, and just...move on.

It's pretty funny.

In my fanfic, my character lead told everyone that she didn't like thinking about regrets, that she loses more time that way.

It's true, you do. But I never really took my own advise. I'm fucking myself up blaming shit that happened in my past.

Sure, they inspire me. It's okay to think about it, but not to wallow in it.

I'm done. I'm moving again. I'm picking myself up. I'm in the gutter, now I can just try and move myself from the gutter again, and onto the street that will take me to where I am going to go.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Joss Cola...

I die, you die, we all die
Just not now...

Now, we have to work

We have to meet deadlines
We have to have relationships
We have to respect our society
We have to answer to our beliefs
We have to set a goal
We have to meet that goal

That is our concern

No one fucking cares
that you could die tomorrow

Just remember

To do the job before you go
To leave insurance, before you die
To croak in a reasonable way, to not offend people
To make the proper arrangements...let's not forget ourselves
To measure how long we got to that goal
To see if we even made that goal

So right now do the fucking work
you get to live tomorrow

it's always tomorrow

Once more...with feeling

It's the annual fight-fest with the 'rents, though I can't recall it ever being this bad.

It's absolutely no interaction, and zero tolerance in the house. They no longer bug me in my room, tell me what to do, or hassle me out to dinner, simply because they are not talking to me at all...

Okay, maybe they are, just a little...like, you're going out? Hmm. 'Kay.

This is partly good news, since this will make my decision of moving out in the next months much easier.

Yeah...i'm going to move out. Finally. I think it's time. Living at home is great simply because you don't have to pay much for anything, but it also has a lot of tradeoffs.

Not being able to do things your way, how they still treat me like i'm a kid in high school...or maybe more like college...

I honestly just want some space to breathe. Maybe i'll be able to do more things if I was out on my own, without them hovering behind my back. I want to see what else I can do if I were to make a lot of my executive decisions.

In any case, i'm excited to see just how far I can go if I really follow my dreams. I mean, the oppurtunity has always been there. But I don't think i've ever been given the chance to try.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Really?

"Daddy use to say I was like little baby Moses, a gift from god."

"That's not what he meant, sweetheart. He meant that you shall grow to bring plague and misery upon us all."

I'm having an interesting time in my new job. The most amusing characters are housed in that teeny-tiny school.