Day One

Woke up late. The `rents are back out taking care of business.

Me and my mom had a long talk last night, and will probably have an even longer talk tonight after things have settled in.

Lots of shit to work out, now that my aunt is gone. She's going to be cremated this Sunday, so there won't be a funeral, no viewing.

I've only been to two family funerals, and even though i'm no veteran of these things and I always kind of thought of it as uneccessary...i'm beginning to understand how being surrounded with some family members is essential for closure.

My aunt was a very popular gal. She had tons of friends all over the world. Even though she didn't look her best in the end, she kept her cheer up, and I want people to know that. She was always happy, never wanting to inconvenience any of her friends, and in the end...she died a few hours before the new years so that 2005 would be easier for all of us.

I feel like telling people that even in the end, she kept her game face on...but without the funeral, I have no idea how to do that.

It's almost like she's here...and she's gone.

The last time I saw her was last week, Christmas morning. I couldn't go near her because I had just come from a cold and I was really fuckass tired. I hadn't slept, and I had some work that I needed to finish.

I stood a few feet from her bed by the door and said goodbye as we were leaving.

She kind of turned to me and waved, saying I love you and telling me that although she was happy that I was "employed", that I should do what I want and that she was going to help me. She called me baby and blew me a kiss.

I knew that was it.

When she died, I was in the bathroom taking a bath. I'd just finished a project that hung me up for four months, and it had finally ended and I was celebrating it with a much needed shower.

My other aunt called at around seven to ask about my aunt, and I told her "This is it. I don't think she's going to make it out of this one. I think it's going to be tonight", not knowing that she'd died in that hour.

...

People have said that it's wrong timing, that it's the new year and she could have picked a better time to die. That it sucked that I spent the New Year on my own at home, with no dinner and not even able to call for a pizza.

But the thing is...I don't really care. It's just another day. I feel better that she's done resting now. She's been fighting for a long time, and I saw just how things were for her. How worn out she was getting in the end. I think, for the last month, she was just fighting for us than for herself.

So I don't mind sacrificing my new year, just so she can rest. It's just a holiday, a reset on your calendar. And at this point, i'm beginning to realize one thing.

You can celebrate everyday.