Contagion

There is a contagion of anxiety-ants crawling in my head right now.

I'm blogging on the clock--again--to keep myself from going crazy. I keep telling myself that this is my last month, but everytime I look at my bank account I cringe.

All that hard work going down the drain for the next few months. Not seeing movies, going out for dinner, or DVD splurges. No clothes shopping, no salons, and absolutely no way to travel.

That really kills me.

But whenever I take a look at the other things, the stuff that i'm giving this up for...it makes me want to pack up my bags and just go. Leave now. Take the leap and just sit in front of my PC again and just let things fly.

You save money...for what? You save time...for what? If the world ended tomorrow, what would I have to say? About myself? And of my accomplishments?

I have no idea.

Would it really kill me to skip those dinners out? To not see those movies? Would it really kill me if I downgrade my net subscription a few kbps? And how the heck would I travel anyway, when I don't even have the time to!

What am I really giving up?

It all seems so frivolous. A few months ago I didn't even have this much money to spend, I didn't have all these privilages. Now I can afford a lot more. It's pretty ridiculous...I should be thankful for what I have.

Laarni was right in asking "How long can you hold out?" Because money can only take you so far. If everything starts to weigh on you, and it starts eating on your morale, then maybe it's time to cut your loses and go.

I have 14 more working days until I reach a decision, on whether or not I will go this month.

The money makes me wish that I had longer, but my sanity thinks that it's just one day too far.